Bruce Whealton: Existential Writing

I must have been 13
when my parents
first took us to Disney World.

Disney has had a rollercoaster
called “Space Mountain.”

I had seen other rollercoaster rides
but this one is all inside a big building
and it is dark in there.
I think that made it more frightening.

So, I was in line to get on the ride
and just before I got to the end,
to that last part of the line,
I turned and left
before getting on.
I was scared of something.

Two years later,
my parents took us to Disneyworld again.
I remember looking at that line,
at Space Mountain,
that filled the inside
and stretched outside…
people waiting 45 minutes,
maybe longer…
many, many people,
every day bringing many more people
to ride this ride.

This really made me think,
challenging what I had believed.
if there was something to fear
and if this was something to avoid,
why would so many people
wait so long to ride this ride
without turning around and leaving
at the last moment?

So, I decided to ride this rollercoaster.

Waiting in line,
with my sister,
I never mentioned
being scared or nervous.

And I didn’t turn away
at the end.

The ride was intense,
exciting and scary…
People were screaming.

I think those people must feel
those same feelings
that I’ve felt,
being both scared and excited,
as we wait to get on and ride
Space Mountain…
and it is intense and scary
and we do return to ride it
again, like I did during that
trip to Disney World.

Not only do we do this
despite the fear
but I think we want to be scared;
I think this fear can be exciting(!)
and the feeling intense.

What makes more sense?
to say that we do this despite the fear
and that maybe we find being afraid
to be fun and exciting?
or to try to tell ourselves
and others
that we are not afraid?

- Bruce Whealton Feb 2009