Desolation

To be homeless
is to know utter desolation
and a persistent
overbearing sense
of fear.
Anxiety and stress were constant
but overshadowed by fear -
terror.

The terror of utter desolation;
the feeling of vulnerability -
unprotected, abandoned and
alone.
No one to run to
to cry to…
No one to hold you and tell you
all would be ok.
Your mere existence
is a burden to all
those who once cared.

This
is what ran through
John’s mind,
as he walked the city’s streets,
looking for some place
to rest – a place that be safe
and offer comfort,
a place where he might not be seen.
He hated being alone
and only noticed
as a nuisance.

His brother and cousin
had reminded him
of this crushing, terrifying reality.
“I can’t keep helping you,” they said.

He wanted to explain
that he had put off calling them
for two hours, until
he just became so desperate
and scared,
but he didn’t say anything,
feeling that there just was no way
he could convey his reality,
or fearing they wouldn’t believe him.
That’s what he feared -
that feeling of trying to explain
his reality and the feeling
that they just weren’t wanting to listen -
it hurt, not just that they couldn’t help
but that they didn’t seem to want
to listen and really hear him.

The feelings he now felt
drove him to keep walking,
he was too driven to stop,
though he had no real
destination.

By Bruce Whealton
November 5, 2009