So, R.D. Laing is this psychiatrist from the 60s that absolutely fascinated me. He wrote about his experiences with people with schizophrenia. In addition, much of his writing can be expanded to social relationships and social communication and how confusing it can become. He put out this collection of poems called “Knots” that deal with just what I was describing – not schizophrenic communication but everyday communication that can be confusing and get tangled in knots. It inspired me to write my own knots. I can safely say that I am not copying his poems or just adding to the collection; I’ve found my own knots and in many ways they are very personal observations of what confuses me. As an introduction, let me reproduce the first poem, or maybe it is the first part of a poem. He has this book Knots and it is divided into 4 chapters but on each page you can read what seem like poems in themselves. So, from page one he writes:

“They are playing a game. They are playing at not
playing a game. If I show them I see they are, I
shall break the rules and they will punish me.
I must play their game, of not seeing, I see the game.”

In my knots poems, I deal with some very different things than the games he is describing. Yet, one or two of my poems deal with games. I was trying in those two, to express my confusion, my own personal confusion that comes from having been shy. I certainly am inspired by personal experiences that many would describe as characteristic of shyness. I’ve worked in the psych field and been trained in the field and have the benefit of discussing the matter with colleagues of mine or others similarly trained. We have come to agree that my experiences do represent shyness. Anyway, I’ve always had a desire to be heard, understood… that’s the writer in me… to express my deeply felt experiences in a very genuine way. Perhaps some reader will relate. So, here is another one of my poems inspired by “Knots.”

Act Naturally

Just act naturally!
Naturally, I am learning,
just what to do,
naturally.

Do people learn, naturally,
how to act natural?

I must learn social skills
so that I will know
what to do, naturally,
when I want to act,
naturally.

Part II – Discovering the game

I am just learning
for the first time,
that sometimes,
people are playing games,
when I had not known
they were playing a game.

Change

My friend, who I’ve not seen in decades,
writes about how utterly happy he has been
for the past couple days…
it’s just something that people share
through the magic of electronics and social networking…

It made me think of all the time
that’s passed and wonder about
what changes? And What remains the same?

Hair changes,
weight changes…
memories remain (some)…
Mannerisms develop
and remain
as part of who we are
or have become;
some of this is inherited.

Shyness self-sustains
like a bad eduction.

Skills fade,
friends fade,
remain, reappear.

I was taught
happiness should have existed
and then gradually
declined – my teachers
must only have had distant
memories of happiness
but they never spoke of it.

Maybe happiness is possible
through the comfort
of forgetting -
forgetting the time that’s passed,
what we’ve lost,
what’s faded.

I feel like, I know,
my friend would have dreaded
the loss of so much
of his hair,
(why did I notice that
about him?)
as if it had something
to with one’s worth
and social worth -
happiness?

Maybe I shouldn’t ponder
these thoughts,
questioning the value
of memories,
if there’s such value
in forgetting.

I wonder about the title on this. Surely, I’ll have many thoughts on change and so no one poem can sum up the concept of change.

By entering your email address in the box on the left below my blog’s title, you will get email updates when I post to the blog. When there are no new posts, no emails are sent.
Thanks,
Bruce

I am happy to say that five more of my poems have been picked up for the next edition of “The Horror Zine” at: http://TheHorrorZine.com and I’m scheduled to appear in the second Anthology of the Horror Zine, which is being edited and published by Jeani Rector. My poems appeared there last December as well. The poems being published are the following: “Shelter,” “Becoming,” and “Sensuous and Strong as the Serpent,” “Kid Fears,” and “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

You can find other poems by Bruce Whealton on The Horror Zine here.

I wonder if anyone has ever had this experience… of getting so lost… in their life. It seems that in the dream, I’d want to remember more, to remember that I found my way back, eventually. Yet some roads in this world are too terrifying to be on.

Lost

How could I have gotten
so lost?
I thought I recognized where
I was going…

Until it hit me,
that I didn’t know where
I was heading
or what road I was on -
it was dark…
the road signs
made no sense.

So, I drove faster
and faster,
“Eventually something
would make sense,”
I thought.

Fear began to rise
in me,
an existential fear
of total isolation
and more.

So, I decided to get off
the road I was on,
to turn down another road.
It was a bizarre choice
there was nothing familiar
about this road
unto which I was turning
I had no idea where
it would lead
some vague and unknown
instinct told me to turn.

I’ve had this dream
more than once.
I try to think about its meaning
adding my commentary
as an omnipotent voice
in the dream.

That last turn
before I wake up…
I would never have taken the turn
if anything at all
about the road I had been on
was at all familiar
and if I had not been
so desperately and passionately
scared and lost.

I always wake up
shortly after making the turn
because instead of relieving my fear
I begin to feel
even more terrified,
a sense of foreboding,
and even greater existential fear
than I had known previously.

I think, even in the dream state,
I decide,
“No, I cannot face ‘this’”
So, I wake up.

Yet there’s never resolution…
never a coming to understand
how I could have gotten
so lost.

Here is part two of my poems based on R. D. Laing’s collection called Knots. He deals with how communication, as a social phenomena can be rather tangled into knots. I’ve felt that way recently.

Inspired by Knots II

I came to a party
everyone was playing a game.
I know they were playing a game
but I don’t know how to play
because I never learned
how to play.

What if they were playing a game
of pretending to play
a different game
or vice verse.

I was afraid I’d play the wrong game
and never be allowed
to play more games
even though I never played
any of these games,
I don’t think,
because I never knew what game
they were playing.

I want to play a game
so I won’t have to play
games.
Others also want to play
the game
so they don’t have to play
the game.