This vacation/visit to Wilmington, NC was so wonderful. It was so great to connect with friends that I’ve not seen in so long. It was great to see Jean, who was a wonderful host and to connect with Thomas. I met a new friend, Ryan Miller, who had heard things about me from Jean. On Friday he asked how long it had been since Thomas and I last saw each other and we both said nine years. I couldn’t believe it. Nine years! I certainly hope that I never go nine years again between seeing good friends.

Also, as I reflect on things, it is important to put things into a certain context. These last years have been difficult and my self-esteem and sense of worth has been very, very low. I’ve often felt alone and unlikeable among other things. Loneliness has been a theme as I think of these years lately. That probably made me more sensitive to negative feelings or a lack of recognition or to jump to conclusions that are negative and such. It’s easy to lament things lost, the past and to be almost pathetically nostalgic.

Meeting friends that have known me and were so glad to see me did challenge those negative feelings and make me feel good and like I do have friends. While that’s true, those feelings that of extra sensitivity to rejection probably made me sentimental in remembering a certain past, if that makes sense. Maybe that’s what this next poem is about…I thought about a title of feeling welcome but so far I’m not sure. The title I have implies my efforts to escape, through my own efforts and changing my thoughts, feelings of lonliness.

Escaping feelings of Loneliness

Why does time
have to pass?
Why do things change?

I still remember
Dusty
at the Coastline Convention Center -
poet, singer, host...
because as a new poet
perhaps I needed to feel
welcomed.

A place
a person
a memory
and my tears...

Returning to Wilmington
I found there's
a new place
to go for poetry.
I went there
Sunday, late afternoon,

and felt so unnoticed
almost a vibration
of a certain loneliness
I had come to associate
with my life lately,
though I was with a good
friend and we just walked out...

Maybe I just missed
a time
and Dusty and how
she always made me
feel welcome...
maybe I needed that
more than ever before
this time in my life -

Yes, that is it!

by Bruce Whealton
July 21, 2009