Regret

Sometimes it seems
that I'm living in a dream,
a very bad dream,
and I hope so much
that I'll wake up
very soon.

I'll say that I've found
one possible future
and I've decided that there is
too much
that I hate
about this reality...
there are too many
mistakes that I've made.

And while asleep
I've learned so much,
so many lessons learned
where I've seen the consequences
of so many decisions.

There must be a purpose
to this!
This cannot be real!
I could not truly be so cursed
to live such a nightmare.

What is the purpose
of learning such difficult and painful
lessons?  Seeing a possible future,
experiencing such pain,
if there is no hope?

What if we only learn these
certain lessons
after it is too late
to do anything with the knowledge.

All the regret
that one can experience
is nothing but a way to taunt
and punish oneself,
as if it mattered, as
if one could make right
one's mistakes.

What if our lives
are just entertainment
for some entity
that just
watches us?

and our lives are
like the stories
we read,
and the shows and movies
we watch?

And our sense of free will
or control over our circumstances
is only an illusion?
And the only choice we have
is whether to live
or die?

If all else is just a game
and if we are only actors
for the amusement of another,
then how can we find meaning?

Yet, I do prefer
to think
of my life
as just a bad
dream
from which I will
soon awaken -
there's comfort in that.

By Bruce Whealton April 24th 2009